Misunderstanding

About 25 years ago I was running a sales group. We were dealing with a challenging situation with a difficult client who was in my territory. Four of us associated with the client met to develop a strategy for how we would deal with a current challenge. One of the people in the meeting was a pre-sales technical representative and I learned that she had a good working relationship with the client. After hearing all the specifics, I suggested that she take the lead on this situation. I then said something to the effect of, he likes you and we should leverage that relationship.

The next day I was called into my boss's office with an HR representative and was informed that someone reported me for sexual harassment. Astonished, I said, “who and for what?” They informed me who and why. Apparently, the pre-sales technical representative, a woman, interpreted my comment of "he likes you" as something inappropriate. I informed them that there were others present and that they should speak with them about what occurred. I never heard anything about that incident again. 

This morning I read a Fortune article about a CEO who was speaking with her team and made a comment which was intended to be inspirational. Apparently it was recorded and then posted and shared publicly with negative comments and it blew up on the internet. 

What is going on in these examples?

In one word, Interpretation. 

We humans are very skilled at confusing facts (what was actually said) with our interpretation of what was said. Interpretation is in my opinion the single biggest cause of conflict among people. It happens every day, billions and billions of times a day. We interpret what we hear, make it mean something, and then, this is the juicy part, act like our interpretation is a fact. We are masters at this; the problem is, we can’t distinguish the facts from our interpretation. 

Us humans are meaning-making machines, and we don’t even realize it. I’m writing this blog to illuminate this phenomenon in the hopes that you and I can develop the muscle to distinguish our interpretations from the facts and hopefully repair or ensure better relationships with others.  

If we look at my personal example above, I said "he likes you" and the employee seemingly interpreted that as something inappropriate. I see now that I could have said "he trusts and respects you." Had I said that, I’m confident the situation would not have been reported to HR.  

I can’t explain why she made the interpretation she did, but clearly what I said made her uncomfortable. I would have preferred she request a one-on-one meeting and inquired into what I intended and expressed her discomfort. I would have appreciated that and I suspect it would have strengthened our relationship as opposed to creating some tension in our relationship.

I can also understand why she may not have felt comfortable taking that path as she didn’t report to me and I was one level higher in the organization chart and we didn’t have much of a working relationship because our paths didn’t cross at work all that much. I also know that many people are uncomfortable having seemingly difficult conversations. Of course the idea of a difficult conversation is also an interpretation.   

There is a common thread in both examples: the two people who took action assumed poor intent from another's communication and didn’t attempt to inquire or clarify and share their own perspective on how the comments landed for them. 

Of course, we as the communicator need to be responsible for what comes out of our mouths, which is even more essential if you are a leader, manager or public figure. Throughout my life I have continued to work on being more responsible and accountable for what I say. For me it’s a never-ending effort.

So what can we do? First, get clear about the facts vs. our interpretation. We may need someone to support us with this. Next, have a conversation with the person whom you may have made interpretations about, both to seek clarity and to share how what was communicated was received. I have found having an open an honest conversation about what was communicated and how it landed for me always, in the end, creates openings for a healthier relationship. 

It may not be easy, but it is effective.