Leading by Example

On Jan 29th, 2023 my father died. My dad lived a long life, 88 yrs, full of challenge, accomplishment, service and adventure. His last years were challenging, made even more so after the death of my mother 18 months ago. 

In the Jewish faith, we sit shiva after the funeral. We did so at my home for three nights. My sisters and I are lucky to have many friends and family who came out to support us during this challenging time. While receiving condolences, I said the same thing: it’s sad, and a relief for my father and the family. His last 3 1/2 years were challenging for all. 

Now after delivering my third eulogy, I have discovered that doing so, for me, is very cathartic and helps me to put my relationship with that person and my emotions in perspective. My suggestion is when you lose someone close to you, consider writing their eulogy. Even if you don’t have the confidence to actually deliver it, I suspect that like me you will find it cathartic. And who knows, maybe someone else will deliver it or you may find that you have new found courage to deliver it yourself.  

In this month's blog, I share with you my father's eulogy. 

I am a blessed man to have had two terrific parents. While neither of them are alive anymore, their spirit, council and lessons live on in me every day. 

Feel free to reach out to seek the power of their wisdom.  

Shelly’s Eulogy

Sheldon Prushan, aka, Shelly, or as Mimi referred to him, Shelly baby, was the eldest of two boys of Joe and Sarah Prushan. Along with his brother Richie, they grew up of modest means in south Philadelphia on Greenwich Street. Shelly would say they were so poor, they couldn’t afford to give him a middle name.

He was fortunate enough to attend Central High School and was a graduate of the 196 class where he made so many friendships which lasted a lifetime. One of his friends, Herb, is here today.  He matriculated to Temple University where he studied accounting. He worked his way through college as a waiter, working at Teplitskys in Atlantic City in the summers.

He was drafted into the Army, and after basic training went to the Army’s finance school where he graduated first in his class. This entitled him to pick where he would be stationed. He chose Paris France, rough life. It’s funny how seemingly small things can have such a significant impact on one’s life. It’s there where he met Gisele, the love of his life. Gisele originally thought Shelly was an arrogant American, imagine that.  Shelly wanted to marry Gisele, but his mom wasn’t so sure about this foreign woman, so she sent one of his friends Joel Chakov to check her out. The rest as they say is history.

He started his career working for his uncle Moishe Silverman’s accounting firm and then moved into working in industry as a comptroller. After a few years with one company, he was lucky to have found a job with a young pipe distributer run by two brothers Mort and Alan Kaiser. The Kaisers treated him well and he was fortunate to work for the family for 32 years, being a key contributor in the company’s growth.

Shelly had a terrific relationship with his mother-in-law Esther Yedid. Since Gisele’s parents lived over 400 miles away in Montreal, it was there just shy of my 5th birthday in 1966, Shelly introduced me to my first love, skiing. We would go on to travel to Montreal every Christmas to visit family and ski.  

Shelly wore a beard or goatee most of his adult life. Most of you probably don’t know why. One year, returning from Montreal in the snow, he lost control of the station wagon driving on the Northway in NY. He hit his chin on the steering wheel and cut it open. Thereafter, when he would shave, he would frequently cut open his chin where the stitches were, so he grew a beard.

Shelly and Gisele built a lifetime friendship with Harry and Jeannie Gelman. Harry was one of his central buddies. When we were young, the families would travel together every summer, camping up and down the east coast.

Less than three weeks ago, while attended Jeannie’s funeral, their oldest son Jack was introducing me to his daughters and creating context for who we were and then he reminded me of something long forgotten. We used to call his dad Uncle Uncer, Jack laughed.  Yes, my dad drove fast and the Gelman boys nicknamed him Uncle Uncer, after race car driver Al Uncer.  For those of you who have driven with me, you now know I come by it honestly.

When I was young my dad would take just me skiing for the day. One time we went for an overnight trip to ski with the Starks who had a house at the base of Elk Mountain in the village of the four seasons.

If you’ve ever driven to the top of the Northeast Extension of the PA Turnpike you know there is a sharp, and I mean sharp, turn at the end before you get to the toll both. Well on that trip my dad took too much speed into the curve, so much so, I remember the car going up on two wheels. Thus, was born my need for speed as expressed in my driving and skiing.

Leadership, Community and Judaism were important to Shelly.

While accepting a service award at Temple Beth Torah he shared that early in his marriage our mom said to him, if you ever cheat on me, I will walk out that door and take the kids and never come back. He then said, service work was his mistress. 

He was a committed volunteer in four communities throughout his life.

He was very actively involved in our synagogue, Temple Beth Torah. First in membership and leadership of the men’s club, he then went on to serve many roles on the board of the synagogue including, President. When there were difficult conversations to be had, Shelly was the one to have them.

HAM as my father used to refer to us, Helene, Alan, Mimi, were fortunate enough to attend Camp Harlam in our teen years. Shelly got involved and was on Camp Council for many years, including being council chair.

He was very involved in the UAHC, now called URJ, including being on the national board and the MUM chair. MUM is the Maintenance of Union Membership, aka dues. As I said, my father was comfortable having the difficult conversations.

His fourth community was the Philadelphia Rotary club. He was a member there for decades. It was there he combined two of his passions and started the annual Rotary Club ski trip to Elk Mountain which ironically was usually right around this time of year.

I was fortunate that my dad was able to take me to many sporting events growing up. On weekday games my mom would drive me to his office in Kensington and I would wait in his office while he finished up before he would take me to dinner in south Philly on the way to the game. One of our favorite places to go was The Triangle Tavern.

While sitting in his office he would teach me about business. One time a secretary came in to give my dad a coffee. Her hands were trembling and while attempting to put the coffee down, she spilled the coffee all over his desk. After they cleaned it up and she left, I said what was up with that.  

He said here I’m kind of a big deal and she’s new and was nervous. Then he said to me, remember we all put our pants on one leg at a time and while others may be in bigger positions than you, they are no better than you and you shouldn’t be intimidated. Not ironically, my first job out of college was selling to CFO’s, usually men in the mid 50’s to 60’s.

He also taught me another important business lesson. While Shelly was responsible for the finances of the company, he also had the person responsible for HR reporting to him. He shared that while some might think the most important asset of a business is money, it’s not. The most important asset, he shared, is its people and it's also the most difficult to manage.  

Speaking of his office, my dad seemed to love the cold because he kept his office a balmy 62 degrees year-round. He said it was great because no one would stay too long. 

We regularly attended Eagles games including attending the 1980 NFC championship game against the Cowboys where the Eagles won 20-7 in sub zero temperatures. When we got in the car, we sat there for 30 minutes just to warm up.

Many times, we would drive to the game with his cousin Eddie Levin and his brother-in-law Aaron Kupsow. Eddie was big like my dad and Aaron is only about 5’5. We’d get out of the car and start walking and Aaron would yell, wait for me. Aaron used to say, we were three steps out of the car, and he was already five blocks behind. My dad loved that joke. 

I used to tell people I skied with my dad. To which he’d reply, I don’t ski with Alan, I chase him down the hill all day.  One time he fell in soft snow, apparently, this time I was behind him, so I skied up and stopped hard and short to ensure I sprayed him in snow, which I did. He was not too happy. As he got up, he looked like the abominable snowman, completely covered in snow.

Then there was the time in our early twenties when the five of us were having dinner at home. He asked someone to get him something from the fridge. We all declined and told him to get it. He was not happy. He stormed up to the fridge, got what he wanted and slammed the fridge door, which promptly jumped off the hinges and he was standing there holding the door by the handle as it was standing on the floor.

The four of us broke up laughing. He yelled it’s not funny. And we yelled back yes, it is.  No it's not… Yes it is.   

I’m not wearing black because I’m here to celebrate my dad and he was the original male fashionista. He loved dressing nice and with flair. One of my cousins said he was colorful and bold. He frequently went to Fleets Men’s store on Caster Ave. at lunch and would buy multiple suits and/or blazers and pants. He had so many clothes that when rebuilding their first condo in the Philadelphian, they had to build multiple two-tier closets for all his clothes. When Necole Miller came on the scene, he would buy her ties. Here’s to you dad. BTW, he was a single Winsor guy, I’m a double.

Shelly enjoyed music. Early in his life he played the trumpet. Helene, Mimi and I have fond memories of him working in the basement on Anita Drive while he was listening, I mean blaring Herb Albert’s Whipped Cream album. He loved all kinds of music including John Denver. He was also known for cranking the radio when he was alone in his car.

He had some nice cars, but the best was his Hunter Green, ’67 Oldsmobile Cutlass convertible. We loved going on Sunday drives with the top down.

Shelly was an extrovert who had many friends and engaging with others was effortless for him. Shelly was a big man, with a big personality. One of my friends shared that Shelly was larger than life for him. I suspect many saw him this way.

Shelly and Gisele traveled all over the world with their primary travel partners Harry and Jeannie. He loved telling people stories about all their trips and adventures. He was a natural storyteller.

It was Shelly that convinced mom to buy a house at the shore. He loved being at the beach and knew that his children and their families would come visit. They owned that house for over 20 years. The funny part about it was when we were sitting on the beach we’d talk about skiing and at lunch while skiing we’d talk about the beach.

Shelly was a great teacher. He mostly taught by the examples he set by how he lived and behaved. 

Shelly was a hard worker with a busy calendar. He was up at 5:30 every morning going off to the gym and then the office. He was never home when we woke up on a school day. Then he would come home, have dinner, and leave to attend one of his many meetings at night.  

Shelly was a true gentleman. He never cursed. When I would curse in the house, he would say, I don’t talk like that in this house or in front of your mother and neither will you. That was the one lesson I apparently didn’t learn from my father.

The only time I heard him curse was while walking up the steps to Mimi’s house when he was sharing about his memory loss and said I don’t know what happened, it’s like someone just flipped off the F’en light switch on me. There it was, the one and only F bomb I ever heard from my dad. 

Shelly had an amazing memory for faces, names, data, seemingly everything. I remember when we were in Israel in 1979, he saw a guy and said that’s so and so from elementary school. He went up and introduce himself and sure enough he was right. I said how did you recognize him, to which he replied, well you take the beard off, add hair and have him lose about 40 pounds and there he is. I’m like, what are talking about, he was in elementary school the last time you saw him.   

His last ten or so years were challenging as dementia set in, but Shelly handled it with grace. When he started getting lost in the city he spent his whole life in and knew like the back of his hand, he knew it was time to stop driving. He easily gave us his driver’s license which shocked us all. He would say, I don’t need a driver’s license, I have a chauffeur. Of course, he was talking about Gisele. 

Shelly was a generous man sharing his time, expertise, homes and money with others. He was a very accepting man who made friends with everyone and loved telling jokes.   

In these last few years, Sunday was my visiting day, especially during football season as I would go and watch part of the games with him. He gracefully persevered nearly 3 ½ years in that nursing home.

Helene, Mimi and I are very lucky people. We had two great parents that did a lot for us and for others. In the end they were both very grateful for our support. I always said the same thing, As ye sow, so shall ye reap. They reaped the rewards of a lifetime of serving us and others.  

The last thing my dad did for me was sing me Happy Birthday.